I deleted my other post because, well... this one is going to be a clarification of what led to that. The big thing here is this: I keep finding jobs that require qualifications I don't have. And when I find those, I think, "I wish I had X, Y, or Z." But ... getting X, Y, or Z takes too long to be practical, in a lot of cases. I'd been researching the HIM/HIT programs in the area, thinking it would at /most/ take me a year to complete, hopefully less. And that would open up new doors to me that my current qualifications do not. Unfortunately, it seems like that is likely to take at least a year and a half to two years. Plus I wouldn't qualify for in-state tuition rates until I was almost done with the program, if I started this term (which is, of course, looking less and less likely). So while it's not totally ruled out, it's going on the back-burner (with so many other options and half-options) because I can't justify the time and money expenditure for something I'm not truly passionate about.

The MBA is still a possibility, though I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it full-time. It may be a matter of "wait and see," which is hard right now because so much is up in the air. My big hesitation with the MBA is financial as well. It's even /more/ of a time and money commitment, so I'm hesitant to do it unless I'm REALLY sure it's what I want.

Part of me wonders if I'm just trying to find any excuse to go back to school. And if it's about /that/, rather than really, truly furthering my career ... then no, it doesn't make any sense.

It's also somewhat about control. I can't control the job market. I can't control how long it takes for O or myself to find gainful employment. Returning to school is something I /can/ do for myself, rather than being dependent upon so many outside factors. But again, that's not a good, solid reason, either. I know the MBA makes sense in a lot of ways, but it's very overwhelming, and I'm not sure whether or not I'm ready/willing to take it on at this juncture.

And part of me is afraid of getting stuck. I don't necessarily want to keep being "just" a SAHM anymore. If O finds work before I do, then I'm afraid of feeling trapped. Afraid of stagnating. Please don't read that as, "I don't want to spend time with my son." I do. I love him. But I need a change (ironic, considering the past two months).

... I think I'm having a mid-30s crisis. Where's my shiny new sports car? :P
My Bethy commented earlier that I've been pensive today. There are 25 minutes of "today" left, and I'm not done yet. I've spent the last half hour or so crying on, and then talking to, O about The Future. About where we want to be, what we want to be doing, and how to get there. Because that is really what everything is all about right now.

If I had my absolute ideal job, I would be doing copywriting/editing for a not-for-profit group dedicated to a cause I believe in - GLBT issues, environmental issues, AIDS or cancer research, breastfeeding awareness, etc. Life is not necessarily all about ideals, though, so I've stated other, related options, as my goals. I want to be a writer and/or I want to work for a nonprofit. (I would also accept working in the education field, though not directly as an educator of any kind.) And I've always thought that the "writer" part came first, but ... I'm not sure that it really does. After all, I can be a writer without being paid to do it. I am a writer without being paid to do it. :P

Now to move forward, finding places where these jobs are more easily found, and figuring out how to get there. Moving forward with my own goals in mind, not with a head full of "shoulds" and "what ifs."


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